1.  Everyone is basically a liar, because you can’t possibly tell everyone the truth about everything - we’d never get anything done.  That being said:

2.  There are the people that, by default, prefer you to know what they’re thinking, and there are the people who, by default, prefer you not to know.  Nobody’s good and nobody’s bad but it’s safer to keep to your half of the world.

3.  To complicate things, there are people that think “Good Will Hunting” is a good movie, and there are people that cringe while watching it.  There are honest people and dishonest people on both sides.  And if you are an honest person that hated Good Will Hunting, you need to minimize your contact with dishonest people that loved it, and I don’t even want to get into why this gets nearly impossible to accomplish.  Let’s just say that there has never been an easier lie to tell than “I hated Good Will Hunting,” and there has never been a lie more incentivized than “I thought it was fine.”

4.  There’s no such thing as love.  There’s infatuation, there’s obsession, there’s addiction, there’s ritualistic, compulsive repetition, there’s horniness, but there is no such thing as love.

5.  I hate being alone.  I hate waking up alone.  I hate waking up with strangers.  I hate my empty rented house on my dangerous winding street full of rednecks that can’t wait for an earthquake to kill me because I had a party once.  I hate not having feelings.  I hate having too many.  I hate not being able to express them, I hate the way I express them, I hate people’s reactions to my expression of them.  I hate people trying to cheer me up, I hate people casting me adrift, I hate being alone.

6.  I hated being in a relationship.  Every day in a relationship is a lie.

7.  I hate Good Will Hunting.  It’s a terrible film.  It’s a crime.  If you like it, I think you’re stupid.  Remember the “apples” scene?  Do you remember it?  Really think about that scene.  Are you smiling?  Then I hate you.  But thank you for being honest.  I would hate you more for lying.  Thank you for letting me hate you.

8.  I love you.

9.  I love my show.

——————————

Okay, Dan. You’ve switched from bullet points to numbers. At least they’re only single digits.

1. Tim: So what you’re saying is…everything is going to get done? WAHOO!

    Alisha: Everything is going to get done! Like projects and murders!

2. Tim: Well, I’m telling you what I’m thinking and you’re telling me what you’re thinking, so we must be on the same half! Cool! That other half is too quiet anyway. Wanna grab a burger? 

Alisha: Tim, if Dan’s busy, I could grab a burger with you. I’m basically unemployed.

3. Tim: I don’t even like apples. They get stuck on my teeth. #sameside

Alisha: I’ve never seen Good Will Hunting, but I have seen Good Will Smith Movies. I know! Redundant! They’re all good. 

4. Tim: So everybody lies and some people are honest and speak their mind and some people are dishonest and don’t. So when honest people speak their mind they are lying and when dishonest people don’t speak their minds they are withholding a lie. SO you’re speaking your mind and thus lying. Therefore Love does exist?

Alisha: Tag line for LOST?

5. Tim: So you like being somewhere in the middle? And how are you alone if you throw parties so wild that you anger red-necks and cause them to wish natural disasters upon you? Sounds like a happenin’ place to be. A place you could have a burger at.

Alisha: I hate how passive red-necks are. If you want something dead, do it yourself. And Tim, I said, I’d get a burger with you. Don’t press the guy. 

6. Tim: “Every day…is a lie” and “Everyone lies” so at least we know the truth. And that truth is cookies are awesome!

Alisha: If someone would date me, I bet I’d hate it too. Thank God I eat so many Doritos that I will never have to deal with that.

7. Tim: It’s not your fault…It’s not your fault. (It’s Ben Affleck’s)

Alisha: Methinks the lady doth protest too much… 

8. Tim: Okay, but it was only a burger…

Alisha: Awesome! You’re okay with the Doritos thing? 

9. Tim: Who doesn’t? #sameside

Alisha: Your show is one of the best things to ever happen to me. 

So it looks like he might be making progress. That or he’s just temporarily being side-tracked by our silly distractions.

I bet he never wants to eat a burger again. 

danharmon:

• Thirty seconds after it gets easy, you will forget how hard it was.
• Time does not advance 1 second per second. It advances 1 important moment at a time. You have less and less of these as you get used to them, therefore, the older you get, the faster time goes.
• [I assume] you can jump out of as many airplanes as you want, and the above fact will never change. The reason for this is: every time you jump out of airplane, it becomes JUST a little more forgettable that you’ve done so. 
• You can make fun of it all you want but you will always be generally relaxed by New Age Music. They’re not trying to blow your mind. They’re trying to make you go to sleep. If you fall asleep listening to New Age music, they nailed it. 
• The person you are actually capable of loving will always be out of your league, and everybody in your league will either stop loving you or stop being loved by you. In other words:
• Love is not a real thing. It’s an itch you can’t scratch. It’s greener grass. It’s a mirage. In reality, we huddle together, or we stand alone, and in either case, we will always have to wonder:
• “What if I wasn’t doing this?”

All right.

Now that we all are looking forward to our futures, let’s break this down.

• Alisha: IT GOT EASY! yay!
  Tim: Because in those 30 seconds you will be bombarded by people who think it’s hard asking how you made it easy. TELL US!
• Alisha: I once heard that most women usually feel less attractive than they actually are, and that this thought process can hinder you in everyday activities and social gatherings. And in true ‘women are easily fooled’ fashion, the secret is to trick the mind. What I heard is that a woman should write (in lipstick, because they aren’t allowed pens/sharpies/pencils/money) “You are beautiful” on their bathroom mirror. So that every morning when she stares down her runny mascara-ed face, she will be CONVINCED that she is actually beautiful. Now, I’m not saying that you should write “This is Important” on your bathroom mirror to convince yourself that every moment is important, but I am saying you should get some lipstick.
  Tim: That is of course, if you don’t already have some. Because I SURE DON’T! Ha…..haha……………..
• Alisha: DAN HARMON, DON’T JUMP!
  Tim: Yes! Leap instead! Have you ever tried leaping? 
• Alisha & Tim: We have no problem with you taking a nap during this. 
• We.
• Love.
• You.
• Tim: I love Dan Harmon.
  Alisha: Me too.
  Tim: Ahh! Why are you standing behind me? 

Dan, your words hit too close to home, and we are young. We are still prone to drugs. Is that the path you want to set us on? Because… that’s cool if it is. After all, television usually is the first to be blamed, right after grocery store maintenance negligence. 

Oops, I slipped! On a pile of drugs.